Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default