Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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