My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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