The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Randomize
