420 ftw
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
