I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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