Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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