Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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