if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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