Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
