Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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