I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
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