somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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