oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
