my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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