i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
