Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
