I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
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last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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