he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love you. Go after that dick
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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