I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the day after is always just damage control
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
