you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize