I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Everclear isn't food dammit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
