so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
