i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
