god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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