I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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