I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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