dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
