twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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