hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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