i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
