he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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