didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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