3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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