ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
