Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
