just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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