I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's never too late to be topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize