i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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