my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
