So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
