Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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