new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
