The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
