Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
