Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
