he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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