She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
