Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
