Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
