MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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