You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
