Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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