last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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