my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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