Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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