That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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